


Strelitzia

by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Romance, Romeo&Juliet!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 11:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5088653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/Lamia%20of%20the%20Dark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tags say it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strelitzia

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a challenge where the prompt I was given was "Romeo & Juliet AU".

~ Strelitzia ~

The Gaunt and Riddle families had hated each other for as long as anyone in Little Hangleton could remember, and not just because the Gaunt family were Pureblood wizards while the Riddle family were the muggliest of Muggles who ever muggled. (The Riddles, of course, had no idea that magic was even real.) They also hated each other because the Gaunts were poor while the Riddles were rich. And they further despised one another due to the Riddles being exceptionally attractive, while the Gaunts were unfortunately quite horrid-looking as a result of all the inbreeding...

But the number one reason that the two families hated each other was their respective choices of pets. The Gaunts were partial to various types of serpents. The Riddles were keepers of a particular bird of prey, which was a natural enemy of snakes.

Sometime around the year 1920 AD, two children of these rival families met, and decided that they cared more about getting laid than they cared about their families' pets constantly killing each other, and the ridiculous arguments and petty revenges that ensued.

* * *

"I love you! Let's get married!" Merope cried, throwing her arms around Tom.

"Yes, let's," Tom agreed, much less enthusiastically.  _Because you actually **want**  to fuck me, unlike that bitch Cecilia_, he added silently. "But it must be in secret."

"We'll have to run away," Merope said. "My father would definitely kill you if he found out we were getting married."

Tom agreed once more, for he could not very well say that he wanted the marriage to be kept a secret in order to avoid being ridiculed by his friends for having such an ugly woman as his wife.

"Good thing I know a shady priest," Tom said. "I'll send a map with my mother's least-favorite bird tonight, so you can meet me at the church."

They parted ways then to their respective homes, and Tom carried through with his plan. Merope managed to rescue the map before it could be eaten by the snake which killed Tom's mother's least-favorite bird. The map was rather poorly drawn, and by the time Merope made it to the catacomb where the shady priest apparently lived, Tom had been waiting for quite a while and was very impatient to get on with things.

They were about to take their vows when Merope suddenly said, "Wait! Tom, there's something I have to tell you before we get married!"

"What is it?" Tom asked apprehensively.

"I'm a witch."

"Baby, don't put yourself down like that," Tom said soothingly. "You're only moderately hideous."

Merope was about to correct him and explain what she really meant, when suddenly the door burst open and the mausoleum was filled with both police and Aurors.

"Ah, here come the authorities," said the 'priest'. "Just in time to end this travesty like a Monty Python sketch, with some fourth-wall-breaking and everyone being arrested."

~end~

**Author's Note:**

> Cecilia was Tom Sr's canon girlfriend. The title is a reference. (And no, the answer is not "it's a plant".)


End file.
